Making the World a Better Place through Bathroom Etiquette

I was in a bookstore last Friday and upon a simple trip to the bathroom, I experienced the epitome of poor bathroom etiquette. I don't know anything about proper behavior in women's restroom, but I hold strong convictions about the right and wrong way to behave in a men's restroom. This story illustrates my basic principles of proper public restroom behavior.

It was not a small bathroom, but not a large one either. Two urinals and two stalls, one of which was larger, wheel-chair accessible. It was clean, with plenty of soap and paper-towels. Nothing wrong so far. There was only one man at a urinal. Since there were only two urinals I couldn't follow Rule #1: When at all possible, leave space between multiple urinals. I took up residence at the available urinal.

Before I began my business, this man broke Rule #2: No talking. He said, "Hey, what's up?" Accompanied by a "dude-like" head nod. In retrospect, I cannot think of a more inappriate question to ask considering what I was trying to do at that moment. Additionally, I am not so busy that if you want to talk to me you have to fit it in to the time that we are relieving ourselves. I get massive "stage fright" and I cannot think of anything so important that it could not wait until we are out of the bathroom, or at least washing our hands.

Which leads to Rule #3: Wash your hands. It's not hard to do. The soap and warm water can actually feel quite nice. This gentleman decided that the best way to sanitize his hands was to scratch his butt and sneeze several times on the handle to the bathroom as he exited. Yum. But before he left, he broke Rule #4, which may surprise many women: Don't spit (or hauck) into toilets or urinals. This is one action I find particularly strange. Who are these men with such flem problems that they must hack and sputter and spit as they pee? What ever happened to swallowing? Maybe they don't realize that saliva actually has important digestive purposes. Maybe they think...Maybe I don't know what they are thinking.

Let's review:
Leave space,
No Talking,
Wash your hands,
and since you're not a cat with a hairball, no snorting-and-orally-shooting-whatever-comes-into-your-mouth-into-the-urinal, just-so-you-can-pee-on-it-in-some-kind-of-symbol-of-manly-victory-over-spit-and-boogers.

There. Now can't we all just get along?