Secrets Revealed

Since FOXNEWS is taking too long getting back to me regarding my proposed expose, I have decided to publish my findings here on SHIFTING GEARS. The following are all true and wise and should be included in every and all religious canons. If you find substantial evidence contrary to my findings then you are wrong. I have much more conviction than you have factual proof. Besides, even if they are "factually wrong" "potentially slanderous," or "baseless ravings" they sure feel right.

1. Screen Savers Are A Scam: The only time a screen image will potentially "burn" into a screen is at an ATM which, for some reason, banks still use outdated "green screens." C'mon, we've got color screens! Banks can afford it...they have all the money! Other than that, screen savers are simply a way for grad school computer programmers to make some extra money turning your screen into a replica of a fish tank.

2. Cap'n Crunch Actually a Pirate: Though under the guise of a naval officer, Cap'n Crunch has been pilfering homes for years. He enters offering delicious cereal, but soon you will find your home (not to mention your waistline) ransacked. Our first clue should of been that he is not a C-A-P-T-I-A-N, rather a haphazard conjunction of the word. If he was actually part of a military-industrial complex, this would never be allowed to fly.

3. Tall People Can Be Hurt With Words: Our society favors tall people, especially men. And while their added mass offered protection from a physical attack, the Achilles heal of tall people is words. It is thought that the phrase, "sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was actually invented by tall people as an attempt to dissuade people from discovering that phrases like, "bumbling oaf" "waste of space" and "good only for reaching the top shelf" actually reduce tall people to tears. (So get out there and take those tall people down a peg!)

4. Bluetooth headsets actually made from blue teeth.

5. Pixie Stix Are NOT Ground Up Woodland Sprites: (This disappointed me greatly.)

6. Scienctist Have Discovered a Number Between 12 and 13: This number, know only as "tweleveteen" has been kept hidden for years by the Bush Administration due to its extreme luckiness. There are rumors of other numbers such as "Fortyteen" and "Halfour" but I was not able to substaintiant. Oh, wait, I don't need to substantiate anything, this is the internet...they exist.